It’s Just A Moment Of Change

15 days.  That is all I have left in this city.  Soon I will be a Change A Heart alumni, Wisconsin resident once again, and an almost-24-year-old lost in the shuffle of reality.  My job hunt is on, bachelorette party/bridal shower/wedding game face ready, and all my belongings packed in boxes still from 11 months ago, ready to move above a flower shop in West Allis.  As one chapter of my life book comes to a close, another is beginning.  But the story is only continuing, and the characters from this chapter will certainly be making a reappearance in the chapters to come.

We had one last community dinner and meeting with our director last week where, naturally, we got all feelings-y and talked about how we are going to say goodbye, transition, and wrap up at our service sites, in our houses, and with each other.  I’m probably going to go through a whole toilet paper roll (living a life of simplicity means no kleenex sometimes) in the next 2 weeks.  I’m living in this world where I’m really good at pretending like none of this is happening, but the bittersweet reality of what is about to unfold is sinking in.  Kelly asked us if we’ve given thought to how we are going to tell our story; our 2 minute elevator speech about what Change A Heart did to our hearts.  How is one supposed to wrap up almost a full year of experiences in 2 minutes?  Sorry I’m not sorry that I can’t do that.  This journey has been about more than work experience, roommates, and praying.  This journey is my life, full of emotions and colors; challenged and blessed by community and my relationship with God.  I grew to accept the absence of materialistic things, share meals and late night conversations about purpose and who we are meant to be, participate in impromptu dance parties and real talk, and simply just be with people.  I’m more focused on how I am going to live my story, because I’m more of a speak-through-my-actions type of girl, and it seems nearly impossible to sum this story up in any sort of word fashion.

You may be tempted to ask if my heart has been changed, which is absolutely, ridiculously cliche and 100% expected.  How can I be a Change A Heart volunteer and not have an answer to that question?  Well, my answer is yes, and I have a few reasons why:

I took more time to walk, talk, be with people; sit around the table longer — dishes could always wait until later (so could vacuuming).  I took more adventures; lived a less scheduled, more whimsy life; stayed up late and got up early; went on more dates than ever before (by dates I mean getting coffee with anyone and everyone, boys and girls 😉 ); laid in the grass and got dirt on my feet.  I danced on chairs, couches, and in my living room; sang at the top of my lungs; invested myself in the lives and needs of those around me; pushed my body to run a race for the first time since high school; traveled to a handful of new states and one district; loved harder and deeper; explored my city via foot, bus, car, train, and airplane; opened myself up to being loved and cared for; became Ms. VanBeek, someone I never thought I’d ever get the opportunity to be.  I took a chance; picked up my life and moved it to a place I had never been before to live with people I had never met.  It’s impossible to explain, but this year has indeed changed my heart.  I feel like I’m finally becoming the Kimberly God made me to be.  I am adopting this as my life motto:

The list of people I need to thank for making this year possible and fruitful is endless.  I am forever in debt to my parents for letting me go and allowing me to adventure 600 miles away from home.  I can only hope my many friends and little families I’ve made back home will never forget how irreplaceable they continue to be in my life, and how much of what they have taught me and who they are is a part of my being.  To all those at MACS who welcomed me into their lives this year and taught me what it truly means to be invested in someone other than yourself, I couldn’t have asked for a better service site and experience.  A shout out to my director, Kelly, for her constant check-ins and care for our well-being and emotions; we’d be lost without you.  And finally, to my pitt pals; the 10 outstanding guys and gals that have made Pittsburgh home, life full of adventure and chaos, and the past year of my life one that has shaped my hope for the rest of my life.

So in short, yes, my heart has been changed.  This place and these people have moved me in a way I only dreamed of.  Pittsburgh and all those in it have literally rocked my world; given me a different perspective on how to live my numbered days, and most importantly, how to love in each of those days.

If you know me at all, you know that I love to relate my life to songs.  Back at the beginning of my Change A Heart year I decided to send my pitt pals a song-of-the-day e-mail; something spiritual, something that got those wheels turning, something that made us feel something.  When I started these e-mails, I immediately knew the song I’d turn to in this moment in my life book.

We won’t say our goodbyes, you know it’s better that way
We won’t break, we won’t die, it’s just a moment of change

Well OneRepublic, this is kinda a BIG moment of change.  Nothing that will kill me.  Maybe just hit me in the feels for a bit.  But if I didn’t feel this way, then I wouldn’t have gotten out of this year what I wanted to.  Stealing some lyrics from The Fray, this year; Change A Heart, MACS, Pittsburgh, my pitt pals; is the song that is written on my heart.  That’s a pretty big change if you ask me 🙂

#thatssoamerican

Wow!  A second blog from Kimberly in less than a week?  This is amazing!  I’m actually really proud of myself guys.  I’m working on my experience to blog ratio 🙂  Also avoiding job searching. UGH.  Life.

It is technically day 3 of my weekend, and what a crazy 4th of July weekend it has been.  I got the okay from my boss man to take Thursday off to venture to Washington DC with Marma for about 24 hours.  I loved feeling like a mom for a few hours; preparing our things for the 4 hour trip.  I packed us lunch, filled up my car with gas, went to the grocery store to purchase the necessary items we needed for our red, white, and blue breakfast, and went to pick up Martha from work.  (I am going to be such a great mom!)  I’ve never been to DC, and this was my last chance to go before I pick up my life and move it, once again, to a new city to call home and conquer.

Many life chats were had and concerts to the steering wheel, dash, and open road were sung.  I love being behind the wheel with no set schedule and a road trip companion, one who keeps me awake, alive, laughing, and filled with her stories and feelings moments.  I’m so grateful to this “little friend” of mine for taking this adventure with me!

We made it to DC in one piece and drove around for much too long to find a place to park cream filling.  Thankfully we were able to temporarily park her in the apartment/castle parking lot of the place we were staying.  Many shout outs to Sir Ethan for housing us and dealing with the craziness of our lives and 24 hour adventure.  I hope I can repay you somehow!  Ethan took us on a grand driving tour of DC in the rain where we learned quite a bit actually, but really all I can remember in this moment, somewhat, is how the streets work and that there is no J street in the district.  What a fun little piece of knowledge 🙂  Post driving tour we walked down to DuPont Circle to meet up with some North Carolina boys for dinner and drinks; one of which I’d never met before, and the other I met just a few weeks ago.  I look back and laugh at how funny life is.  One day I’m sitting on a street corner with someone I just met in Milwaukee; fast forward two weeks later and we’re sitting on a curb somewhere in Washington DC.  I love how my life has come to be a random hodgepodge of adventures and saying yes to what life has to offer.

So I celebrated the start to America’s birthday with one of my best friends and 2.5 new friends.  Not too shabby 🙂  I’d say that’s pretty American.  Sharing a meal, making new friends, and sporting my red, white, and blue, all in the nation’s capital.  Definitely going on my list of life moments I’ll never forget.

Speaking of life moments I’ll never forget … my tires got SLASHED.  I can’t decide if someone was hating on Wisconsin or just is rather horrible, or a combo of the two, but that happened.  I woke up at 6:30 Friday morning to move my car off the street, walked past someone changing a tire, struggled with the parking break (which I thought at the time would be the worst of my problems), and turned the wheel to merge into traffic, to which I encountered an awful constant jerking motion.  I pulled over and discovered two flat tires on my passenger side.  Thankfully I wasn’t parked too far away from Ethan’s apartment/castle, so I slowly made my way back, and with Martha, Ethan, and Patsy and Bessie’s help spent the next 4 hours getting cream filling back into one piece.  Thanks to the tow truck driver who thought Martha and I were from Sweden, we made it to a tire shop and got some new wheels and busted outta there, ready to get our lives and adventure back on track.

As Martha says, at least it was my tires that got slashed and not us.  A lot worse things could have happened; and I am incredibly grateful and thankful for many things, including great parents, friends, and insurance, and that my and Martha’s safety was not ever questioned.  I had quite the range of emotions, but am pretty proud of myself for how I handled the situation.  I let myself cry for about 2 minutes but decided to press on; giving in to being upset wasn’t going to get us back to PIttsburgh to watch the fireworks with our pitt pals.

In the midst of this chaos, Ethan, Martha, and I decided nothing could ruin our plans for a red, white, and blue breakfast.  So this happened 🙂

So after my car became a functioning car once again, Martha and I made our way downtown in our American outfits to watch the parade and wander.  We sang, danced in the streets, cheered, and lived life for a few hours before hopping in the car.  After 1 hour of getting lost and redirected in DC and 4 hours of highways, trees, and blue skies, we were reunited with our Burgh family, just in time to sit in the grass with the Pittsburgh skyline to our left, fireworks to our right, and our people all around us.

Nothing is more American than visiting DC, getting new tires, driving across a few states, and sharing moments with friends from other states.  Martha and I never exhausted our hashtag of the weekend #thatssoamerican

I’ve decided in the last few weeks that people come in and out of our lives for a purpose.  Whether they are a part of our lives for a day, two weeks, fifteen years, or forever, they teach us lessons, ones that we carry with us for years to come, along with the imprint they leave on our hearts.  I’m living in this world where I think anything can happen, and I just want to scoop up everyone I know and keep them with me wherever I go.  But I know I can’t; I know that all good things come to an end, and that more good things will follow.  And I love and hate everything about it.  It’s so American, and also worldly I suppose 🙂

Also I’m having a sentimental, “WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE” moment, and this song comes on.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgqhWqD1qe8

So here you are friends!  Thanks for reading!

Sometimes You Follow

So, I’ve decided I’ve become an awful blogger.  My blog to experience ratio has been pretty poor, probably because somewhere along the way this whole “Pittsburgh adventure” has become more than just an adventure; it’s my life.  I no longer can separate what I am experiencing and doing day-in and day-out from what my neighbor experiences and does.  Yes, I may be going against societal expectations, living with 7 girls and 3 boys I’m not related to (but often pretend to be), relying on $90 a month for personal use (usually), and “volunteering” 40 hours a week in exchange for not a paycheck, but instead a roof over my head, food in my belly, and great, great people who fill my heart with joy and laughter and love for life.

As I’m sure we have all encountered, the summer HEAT has come back with vengeance, forcing us to love cold showers and sleeping with 12 fans blowing on every inch of our bodies.  Okay, okay; I guess it hasn’t been thaaaaat bad.  I’ve fully accepted that my hair will never remain straight for the remaining summer days and weeks, and that we will be eating a lot of salad for lunches and dinners at the Edmond household because our lettuce plants are booming (thanks Hanks!).  Ahh the simple things of life 🙂

Along with the sun, tall grass, buying of fudgsicles and freezepops came the end of the school year at MACS.  It kind of came to an abrupt end, one that I wasn’t ready for.  No more kids meant my role for the remaining 7 weeks would change a bit, which is fine, really.  I often miss the chaos of the school day and hours passing like minutes because of tying shoes and passing out band-aids.  I like to call myself the MACS “elf” for the summer, helping where needed and necessary.  Summer office work has reminded me how much I’d like to not be confined to an office or singular work space; I came to Pittsburgh to do something different, and doing something different is what I’d like to keep doing.  (Like make ramen noodle surprise for dinner.  That’s on the menu tonight, and I’m the cook!)

While I want time in Pittsburgh to freeze and spend about 2 more years being 23, living and serving with my Pitt Pals, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to returning home.  A visit to Mayville and Milwaukee last weekend was just a taste of what my future holds.  Reconnecting with wonderful friends and family, signing my lease to live with some of my best friends, and celebrating the marriage of two outstanding people was fantastic.  I imagine my life post Pittsburgh to be just that–being close to the ones I love, living in my own sort of community, and hopping from wedding to wedding (always looking for a date; any takers??? 😉 ).  I look forward to all of it; sharing my life with those who want to share their lives with me in return.

I don’t really know what the future holds.  I don’t have a job; I don’t even have a clear idea of what job I’m looking for.  I’m easily getting discouraged, convincing myself that no one in their right mind will ever hire me.  I know that’s not true.  I do know, though, that what I’ve learned about myself and life in this “Pittsburgh adventure” won’t be left behind.  As I’ll pack up my suitcases and hug my Pitt Pals one (two/three/four) last time(s), I know I’ll be leaving a different person, marked forever by their kindness, love, faithfulness, whimsy, and zeal.

But for now, I’m just going to keep living.

And dancing, because when isn’t dancing fun?  After all, life is a dance, you learn as you go; sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow …

As of now, I’m okay with following; following the path God has set forth for me to dance down 🙂

 

Living Like a Tourist

We all have a burden to carry in this life.  Some have a small load; some have a large load.  Yet we are all on a journey searching for who we are and what we were made for.  There is good and there is bad.  In the words of Bessie, “Life is like brats.  Some are good; some are bad.”  I think what my wise, silly Sylvester is trying to get at, besides finding another way to talk about his love of brats, is that life isn’t perfect.  We are going to struggle, fall on our knees, and question what we are doing with our lives, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  That light could be a whole slew of things, but it’s up to each of us to decide what or whom gives us that ray of sunshine we need and crave.

I don’t have much to offer this time around, so I’ll be brief.  I haven’t spent much time sitting with my laptop in awhile, and getting lost in my thoughts on my back porch is calling my name (that and laundry).  Also my mind is with my family in Wisconsin as they welcome my cousin Don home and celebrate Eli and TJ’s graduations.  If only apparition was a real thing.

The month of May flashed by with a snap of my fingers.  One day I was running the streets of Pittsburgh, dominating my 5.5 mile leg for my relay team in the Pittsburgh marathon.  Another day I was on a plane to Madison, going home to surprise M&D and support my cousin, Alyx, as she received the sacrament of confirmation.  And another day, Miss Kaminski found her way to the Burgh to fit right in with my community and explore the city I can call home for about 7 more weeks.  I took her to the typical Pittsburgh attractions I’d want any Pittsburgh visitor to see.  I spent a weekend alongside one of my best friends, living like I was a tourist in my home city.  I witnessed first hand how teachers don’t stop teaching outside of the four walls of their classrooms … the whole “live like a tourist” thing was all Katy, and she is 100% awesome and accurate.

I find myself saying to people all the time, “Find the good in today!”  Well, as we all know, it’s so easy to spew off words and expect others to take them to heart, but we constantly struggle to take our own advice and shift our thoughts and focus.  And here I sit at Starbucks, with M Ligas across the table and an Oprah Winfrey quote on my coffee cup that stirs something in my being that I want to share and want you to live by, and myself too.

 

I keep learning new things about myself as I turn the pages on my calendar, rather quickly may I add.  I’ve already found myself in tears on the Milgate porch, overwhelmed with moving forward into the unknown and chaos.  We have 2.5 days left of school, and I am not ready to say goodbye.  I’m at a loss for words for a lot of things and let my emotions get the best of me too often.  But I can’t surrender, curl up in a ball and push away the world and everything that makes me feel bad and sad and upset and angry.  I need to grab hold of the wheel and let God tell me if I am turning left or right, and when.  Whether He leads me to a desert, or a beach, or a ditch, or a mountain, or a Run or Dye race in the middle of a campground, or dinner with 8 nuns, I’m going to find the good in it and explore it, and live my life in color, like a tourist, seeing what’s around me with new, intrigued eyes.

Peace, Umbrellas & Sunglasses

I KNOW it has been an eternity since I have posted.  It means the world to me that so many fabulous individuals have asked me when my next blog would make an appearance, so thank you.  You keep me alive and well.  In short, life has been crazy, chaotic, and beautiful.

We had lots of visitors from across the states serving on their various college spring breaks join us for a week at a time.  Several dinners were shared, stories swapped, and prayers lifted up.  March is a blur.  Meetings, dinners, service–we all were extremely worn out by the end of the looooooooong month, especially as we swapped our winter coats for t-shirts about every other day and questioned spring’s intentions.  Thankfully April was on the horizon, and we kicked the month off with an adventure to West Virginia to spend 4 lovely days on top of a mountain, with no cell phone service, showers that could last about 2 minutes, an isolation cabin where I discovered I had 5 long lost sisters and was sharing 1/3 of my bed with Martha and 1/3 with the spiders, and an outhouse that really made you feel one with nature.  It was the get-away I think we all were craving and needing.  The buzz of people and e-mails and Facebook was replaced with spiders the size of my hand and MUD and winding gravel roads.  I love spending unscheduled scheduled time with those pitt pals of mine.  Dare I say it, but I felt a tad like I was on Walton’s Mountain.  If Patsy and Bessie would have came along, I think they would have permanently moved there.  But thankfully they aren’t living atop a mountain.  Instead they left the great state and made a little trip to Pittsburgh to visit their favorite (fourth) daughter! 🙂

I figured M&D will never see the city of Pittsburgh again, unless I make Pittsburgh my permanent home at some point, which we’ll get to later.  Alas, I decided it was only appropriate to pack as much site seeing and excursions into our 48 hours together as possible.  We walked and drove and bused our way around some prime locations in the Burgh.  I think they were a tad overwhelmed by the number of people and lack of grass and driveways, but the fact that they came and immersed themselves in my little bubble on the east coast was more than I ever could ask of them.  Bringing one family together with another odd sort of family definitely tops the list of my favorite Pittsburgh memories.

So the parents visiting kicked off my week long spring break, which was wonderful and amazing and I wish I could spend the rest of my life on spring break.  I was able to work on some grants (UGH) for school, catch up on life, and visit a few of the pals at their service sites.  Spring break overlapped with Holy Week, so extra trips to church were grand going as a group.  To finish off the weekend, Rachel, Amy, and I made a Saturday-day trip to Cleveland to visit Martha in her HOME!  We got the grand tour of the city from Papa and Mama Ligas, and I’d never want to experience that city any other way.  We mega-bused our way to and from Pittsburgh and got back just in time to rip open a package from Seattle and ring in Easter Sunday with chocolate and jelly beans, thanks to Kristin VanBeek.  After a solid 6 hours of sleep, Amy and I walked to the cathedral for Easter mass, where I almost fell asleep at least 7 times and felt super adorable in my pink dress and matching polka dot scarf.  I had my sentimental moments of not being in the Ville for the day, and carried on with family pictures and an Easter picnic in the park followed by a sweaty run.  It wasn’t quite like Easters past, but Jesus rose from the dead, so that’s pretty awesome.

And now we are preparing for the PITTSBURGH MARATHON on Sunday!!  I am super jazzed, as long as my body follows suit.  Sarah and Wes are running the full, Kelly and Amy the half, and Martha, Rachel, Sean, our director Kelly, and myself are running the marathon relay.  I am the lucky one who gets to start off the relay team with 5.5 miles, running through the famous Strip District and the home of my service site, the Northside.  I am hoping to push through my injuries and pound that pavement to support my fellow runners.  I am so proud of each of them and cannot wait to see the city in a new light.

 

The past few days/weeks in the Burgh I’ve found myself standing at my bus stop with my umbrella, shielding myself from the thousands of rain drops that fell from those dreary, dark clouds forcing the sun to hide and make us all question whether it will ever make an appearance in our lives ever again.  One of those rainy days I found myself with my umbrella in one hand and sunglasses in the other.  I found myself in an odd sort of dichotomy, at least in my mind:  do I use my umbrella, or do I use my sunglasses?  Do I want to stay dry, or do I want to stop squinting?

Well, I’d prefer to stay dry and squint-free, so why was I making myself choose?  What is wrong with choosing one over the other?

Nothing.

The homily at mass this past weekend was all about peace; how we may be a people of God, but also need to be a people of peace.  I’ve always kind of grouped peace and happiness into the same category, often using the terms interchangeably.  However, I’ve discovered their vast difference.  A different priest at this particular church always ends his homilies with 3 simple words, “be at peace.”  He doesn’t tell us to “be happy” or “do something that makes you happy,” for example.  Happiness implies an absence of sadness, whereas peace embodies both happiness with sadness.  I don’t know if anyone can be fully happy in this life, but I’m believing that one can be fully at peace in this life.  My prayers no longer ask God for my loved ones to find happiness, but instead peace with themselves, others, and with Him.

This journey into the unknown has opened my eyes to the life and people around me.  Sure, I’ve traveled the world and have latched onto the travel bug that I believe will be a permanent part of my being.  But living in an environment that puts me in somewhat of an equal state as those I am serving sure does something to a girl.  Homesickness does find its way in though, and my return to Wisconsin is anticipated by many, including myself.  I hope/pray/plan to settle in Milwaukee, at least for the time being.

I’ve come to realize that there will be no easy or right choice to make as I’ve begun my job and life search for what is to come in k-girl #4’s life come August.  So many questions and anxieties have surfaced, and the path that lies before me is undoubtedly uncertain, challenging, and full of more questions and anxieties.  Yet I am pumped for this crazy journey.  I fully trust that God will lead me to continue serving his people in a way that is best suited for me.  So while I wait for the (not-so) many job offers to come flooding in, I have to remind myself that no matter what I choose, the umbrella or the sunglasses, I am well equipped to pour myself into whatever comes my way, and be at peace with it all.

 

Wherever This Goes

The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn’t have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid. I am with you.
Frederick Buechner

I’ve thought a lot about what to blog about the past few weeks.  My days have been consumed with school, Change A Heart stuff, and trying to stay present in the present but be proactive for and attentive to the future.  I feel like I’ve been doing an awful job staying connected with all my people back home; I’ve submerged myself in this Pittsburgh adventure, taking advantage of the time I have with the lovely family I have in this lovely city before it runs out.  I’ve grown to have an odd sort of affinity to the word “lovely.”  I also am just trying to sound cool by using the word “affinity.”  I don’t think I’ve ever used that word before, besides maybe in my head.  Alas, my life is off balance, and people like YOU are what I need to swing it back in balance.  Being disconnected from my roots and rocks who have made these last 23.5 years worth living SUCKS.

It’s time to dedicate a post to Y-O-U, to all the awesome humans in my life who are DOING THINGS.  About a week ago we welcomed some spring break college kiddos for dinner and fellowship at the Eddie house.  Thankfully we had a superb musician visiting that week named Chris West from the land of king cake and gumbo, who happens to be dating my roommate, and he graciously offered to share his gift of music with us.  It’s hard not to gush with a whole lot of joy and smiles when your living room is filled with 20 people singing something LOVELY:
Here I am Lord, is it I Lord?  I have heard You calling in the night.  I will go Lord, if you lead me.  I will hold your people in my heart.

I will hold your people in my heart.

YOU ARE YOUR PEOPLE.  My people.  You are my people, and not only do I hold you in my heart, but I have you plastered on my wall in pictures, and I love staring up at your faces every night before I go to sleep 🙂

I have to brag; I have some incredibly phenomenal friends and family who deserve to be in the spotlight, at all times.  Some are scattered across the globe, serving our country, experiencing a new culture, and learning more about themselves.  Others are back home, planning weddings, getting married, raising babies, working 9-5+ hours and excelling in the classroom, office, and out in the fields.  Many are struggling to find themselves, their purpose, their passion.  Yet, no matter their circumstance, each is painting the world with their presence and life, making it ever more beautiful and enjoyable to live in.  Each and every one of them, of YOU, are in my thoughts and prayers more often than you aren’t in my thoughts and prayers.  Forever I will say you will be irreplaceable in my life; forever in my heart.

So that’s that.  Plain and simple 🙂

Also forever in my heart (I have to) are my first graders, and their fantastic ability to fill my days with humor and ridiculousness.  I have to share some comments from the Black History Month project they had due last week.  A few pictures and bios of significant figures in black history were on display in the hallway at school, and I took groups of kids to peruse the athletes, singers, and politicians to help them choose someone to research for their projects.  I promise I don’t make this stuff up:
“Why is Michael Jackson part of Black History Month if he was white?”
“Oh I know Whitney Houston!  She was married to Bill Cosby, right?”
“Was Harriet Tubman alive when I was alive?  I think so because I remember hearing her talk to my mom when I was in my mom’s tummy.  Did Harriet Tubman save us?”

Also, these 6 and 7 year olds have come up with even more outrageous countries they think I come from.  Add to the list Great Britain, China, and Australia.  Sorry to disappoint little ones, but I come from the land of cheese, beer, brats, Packers, and some pretty LOVELY people 🙂

Cheers to YOU.  Thanks for you and making my life beautiful.

Wherever this goes, no matter how far
Baby you are the song that’s written on my heart
Wherever we stand, wherever we fall
It don’t matter at all, cause I will be forever yours
From this moment till the day the curtains close
Wherever this goes
The Fray

God Sent Us

My objective in life is not to have a spiritual life that is separate from the rest of my life.
-Ed McCraken

This past weekend my pals and I had a 24 hour silent retreat at the motherhouse.  While the motherhouse is only about a 10 minute drive from our houses, it always feels like our own private get-a-way every time we visit.  The days leading up to Saturday were full of some hesitation and excitement for me.  I’ve never really voluntarily stayed quiet or disconnected myself from technology and the outside world all at the same time.  The Edmond girls joked about planning secret meetings for movie watching and hang outs, but we decided to dive in wholeheartedly and see what could happen in a day’s time.

Well, I kind of went crazy after the fist 3.5 hours.  After reading, napping, doodling, wandering outside, and lunch, about 2 hours had passed and I questioned what I was going to do with myself for the remaining 22 hours.  I headed to the kitchen to make coffee, but then I remembered I’ve never made coffee in my life, and I wasn’t really in the proper setting to ask someone to help me.  So i waited for someone else to make coffee.  And when someone did, I got all excited.  To me, coffee is such a grown-up thing.  I made it my goal a few years ago to start drinking coffee because I’m an adult, and that’s what adults do.  But many adults who drink coffee also know how to make coffee, so there’s that.  I mean, I really actually take coffee with my creamer, not creamer with my coffee.  Whatever.  I still feel cool drinking coffee.  But when I poured my cup, added my milk, and found powdered french vanilla creamer in the kitchen, the magic faded and my cup of coffee tasted like a normal cup of coffee, not like the white chocolate mocha I was craving from Starbucks.  I had imagined myself in a scene from a movie, coffee mug in hand, lounging in a rocking chair by the window, the sun streaming on my face, some life-pondering music playing in the background while all the questions of life were answered in an instant.  I didn’t even make it to the rocking chair.  I took one sip and carried the mug around with me until it got cold and it was acceptable to pour it down the drain.

I honestly was hoping for some sort of profound inspiration to just flow from my pen onto the pad of paper and journal I packed with me for the weekend.  When absolutely nothing came to me, I found myself wanting to scream.  I made a list of everything I disliked at the current moment, including my penmanship, and angrily made ink dots all over my journal page.  After not good coffee and words as dry as the desert, a nap was definitely in order.

After nap #2 and lots of Trader Joe’s snacks, I woke up needing some sort of SOMETHING.  The quiet and creaks of the pipes and slams of doors and beeping of the microwave didn’t exactly hold the sounds and stories of inspiration I craved from this experience.  I needed to get out, somewhere where four walls didn’t confine me or my thoughts.  My feet hit the pavement and I felt alive as I gasped for more air while the wind raced past my ears.  While my run isn’t anything worth bragging about, the sun, wind, trees, melting snow, grass, mud, and dirt around me were.  And the mud cakes I found myself stuck in while sliding my way to a picnic table to stretch and soak up the warmth were quite laughable.

I decided to break the rules and write letters to my fellow silent retreaters after dinner.  I felt like I was back in middle school, passing notes to my friends during class.  Only this time I didn’t have to go home and write for my teacher 50 times on notebook paper “I will not pass notes in class” and watch 11 of my classmates get away with something we all were guilty of.  Alas, this time was different.  There is so much light and magic in giving something and expecting nothing in return.  While we had zero conversations and hardly any interactions, just being surrounded by a community whom I love was enough.

Wednesday is usually staff meeting day at school.  We already had a staff meeting on Monday, so when I made my way down to the library to find that the second staff meeting of the week was canceled, my mind raced with all that I could do with the extra half hour I just gained to my day.  I caught my second bus seconds after my first bus dropped me off, which meant I really had extra time for myself.  I got off the bus, marching to the beat of “I’m the Man” by Aloe Blacc down Edmond.  I saw a little, and I mean little, elderly lady shuffling her way down the street in high heels.  I thought to myself, this lady needs some boots.  What is she doing walking in the slush and ice in high heels?  In a tortoise and hare race, she would have most definitely been the tortoise.  I caught up with her and asked if she was okay.  After a look of horror and a “no,” I offered her my arm and she took hold of my hand.  We baby-stepped our way down Edmond and talked about how people need to shovel and this winter just needs to end.  When we reached her street she let go of my hand and said “I truly believe God sent you to help me today.”

I am pretty positive I glided all the way home that day.  How can you not after someone tells you that?  I always say it, but I just LOVE those moments when you are in the right place at the right time.

And you know what?  We all are!  God did send us.  He planned us.  God sent YOU.  He planned for YOU.

So no, I didn’t burst out of my bedroom with all the answers to life and some profound idea that is going to change the world when talking and noise became acceptable again.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope that something like that would happen over those 24 hours.  But I can tell you that life is full of whimsy, and God sent us to uncover it all.  Even when our shoes are caked in mud, or our coffee gets cold.

A couple of the first graders asked if they could take my picture at this month’s Family Night.  Usually I am the one behind the camera!

Breaking Normal

The phrase “time flies when you are having fun” is incredibly cliche but yet perfectly appropriate to describe my feelings about the fact that February is here and I am approaching the halfway mark of this Pittsburgh adventure.  One of my dear friends described the concept of time for her volunteer year simply saying that the days go slow yet the weeks go fast.  I’d have to agree with this phenomenon.  Often I find myself sitting on the bus, gazing out the window, picturing myself in some sort of movie scene with some super reflective and heart-jerking song playing as moments of my life flash across the top of the screen, trying to find my place and purpose among my fellow bus riders, Burgh residents, and citizens of this world.  Maybe my life is like a movie, or better yet, a story, where I am the main character who is striving for that happy ending everyone dreams about.

Entering back into any sort of life routine has been more difficult than I imagined it would be since the new year.  We have had one full week of school post Christmas, and already this week we have had 2 2-hour delays.  While I should not complain, and I’m not, I just am craving some normalcy.  But what exactly would normal be?  I’m not sure anything about this experience, my life, your life, can be defined as normal.  And I don’t want it to be.  But does that mean I won’t get my happy ending?

I recently finished the book Life of the Beloved by Henri J.M. Nouwen, and now I am on to A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Don Miller.  I credit Mr. Nouwen, Mr. Miller, Mommy Patsy, and the wonder and magic of Salsbury, PA for the solidifying the spark that ignited my desire to write some inspirational book of sorts, one chalked full of ideas and suggestions that gives my readers that heart-jerking feeling I feel when that song plays in my pretend movie.  But anyway, both authors have some incredibly insightful thoughts and ideas that are worth pondering, one of which has stuck with me, and I kind of hope it never leaves me.  I think I’ve known it all along, but it’s one of those things that just makes so much sense and puts you in awe when someone else paints the picture for you, even though you already had a paintbrush in hand.  And with my experiences abroad and now in the Burgh, it feels somewhat like my movie has some meaning and the puzzle of life is coming together, piece by piece.

Even though you may not know it, you and I have a lot in common.  We have the same needs and probably a lot of the same wants.  Clearly we both loooooooove my blog 🙂  Jk friends.  But really, we do have things in common.  The biggest thing probably, most obvious thing, we share is our humanhood and desire to live this life for a greater purpose, more than just living a daily struggle to get by.

We live a pretty privileged, blessed life, you and me.  God placed some extraordinary people in our lives.  The relationships we hold, or could potentially hold, with these people are one of the best parts of being a human.  We all crave to belong, be loved, and serve some sort of purpose. But we all seek different routes to fulfilling these desires.  Nothing about the way we go about living this life, movie, story, whatever you choose, is normal. And maybe, just maybe, when we find a way to belong, to be loved, and live out our purpose, that’s when we will find our happy ending.  We can’t belong to, be loved by, or find purpose in anything money can buy.  These desires lie in other humans and relationships, which ultimately lie in the one who created us all.

In a way I am fortunate to have had so many snow days.  They have given me the extra time I can always use to tackle my to-do-list, sleep, bake, read, and work from home.  I spent two days at the Convent helping my director with some things on her to-do list for Change A Heart.  One day I was joined by 4 of my community members, and the other I had my director KC all to myself. Sometimes I miss working in a small office where we have “grown-up meetings” and talk about life over 1.5 hour lunches.  But don’t get me wrong, I LOVE love love my first graders, the first grade cluster, and the family-like atmosphere amongst the staff at my school.  I can’t imagine myself doing anything else this year–building relationships and breaking the whole idea of what is normal.

Speaking of those adorable and ridiculous kiddos, here are some of my favorite quotes from this week:
“What star is the closest to the earth?”
“The sun”
“How did you know that?  Have you been in space before?”

“Miss VanBeek you should put a password on your phone, otherwise people can break in there and do stuff.”

“Can you ask why we don’t have more field trips on days when we have 2-hour delays?”

Also, a little something that may give you that heart-jerking feeling …
“Sometimes I would like to ask God why He allows poverty, suffering, and injustice when He could do something about it.”
“Well, why don’t you ask Him?”
“Because I’m afraid He would ask me the same question.”

Go out there and embrace your humanhood friends.  And remember, we all are seeking to be the star of our movie, living for a greater purpose.  Find the good, friends.  It’s out there waiting for YOU to find it.  Nothing about it will be normal.

Gifts. Dreams. Future Plans. The Whole Shebang.

Do you ever feel like you are pretty good at something, and then you meet someone who is better at that something, and then all of a sudden you are no longer good at that something?

The Pitt Pals and I took a nice little outing to Salsbury, PA for our winter retreat a few weeks ago.  A quaint little farm house surrounded by trees, fields, and cats was just what we needed to start off our new year, or “second half” of this volunteer year if you will.  We were prepared for a lot of feelings talk to be thrown around throughout the weekend, because it wouldn’t be a Change A Heart excursion without some candles, conversation, and 11 different points of view, for which I truly am grateful.

We divided up into our two houses to reflect about several topics, one of which has stuck with me especially.  Each of us were to identify gifts we possess and share them with our houses and the community as a whole.  Honestly it was difficult to sit down and think about what I am good at; what abilities I have to claim as my own.  I prefer to focus on and highlight the gifts of others to lift their spirits and give them that “I feel good” feeling.  Why?  Cause it is a whole lot easier.  While sharing with the Eddies, Rachel brought up a great point–we can’t really take credit for our gifts.  I mean yes, they are our gifts, but we have to credit the gift giver; the one who created us and created our gifts, for without Him there would be nothing.  That kind of shed a whole lot of light on my perspective of my gifts.  I think all too often we convince ourselves that our gifts really aren’t our gifts.  But the truth is it’s OKAY to admit that you are GOOD at something.  And that good should be shared.  Yes, there will always be someone who is a better writer, or singer, or cook, but that doesn’t make us any less good at those things.  Claim those good gifts friends, for they are indeed gifts in every sense of the word.

((My thoughts today are kind of jumbled and not connecting, so bear with me all.  It’s been awhile since my blog has seen some action.))

I do believe I have mentioned a few times that my mom and I are going to write a book.  Well, Bessie is all for it, just as long as we write it, edit it, publish it, and sell it within the next year so he can take an early retirement.  Which you know, I’m all for that.  The pressure is on!  But in all seriousness, it’s going to happen, and all this talk about gifts and God gave me a thought for a book.  Stay tuned my friends.  It might be something.  I can tell you that it’s not going to change the world, but it may change the way people feel about the world and all it’s happenings.

My little chunk of the world in Pittsburgh is going pretty swell.  My Pitt Pals are wonderful as always.  We have met some other great AmeriCorps members in the city and are adventuring out a bit more.  A representative from the Catholic Volunteer Network was in Pittsburgh and Change A Heart joined another service organization, PULSE (Pittsburgh Urban Leadership Service Experience), for chilli, wobbling, and good conversation.  Change A Heart also volunteered for HABITAT for MLK Day, which was fabulous.  We painted some rooms in the upper level of a local church.  I love doing service projects with the community.  We met some cool kids there too.  New friends!

We have had more than enough snow and cold; no shock there.  All the teachers at school are convinced I brought the Wisconsin tundra with me after Christmas.  We really have nothing to complain about in comparison to the great state.  Buuuuut it is pretty cold.  And I am pretty over it.  We have had four snow days with the potential for one or two more this week.  WHEN WILL IT END!?

I feel like my time with the kiddos has been pretty slim and busy.  With school delays and cancellations and testing and the start of the second semester I’ve been all over the place.  However, Ms. Jackson asked me to make some bulletin boards for her, one of which was to honor Martin Luther King Jr.  The kids colored pictures of MLK and wrote about some of their dreams after learning more about MLK and his history, and I had the pleasure of admiring their work as I stapled up their creations.  Some of my favorites include becoming a singer like Mariah Carey, a doctor to help people, and to just be a great twin sister at the age of 11.  No matter how big or small, they have some precious ambitions.  I appreciate their ability to freely dream and be 100% confident in themselves and their abilities and gifts.

So my message for you is to use your gifts and dream big; pretty simple and straight forward.  The future holds a wonder of possibilities.

Stay warm friends!

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 18:3

Christmas Magic

I have one full day left in the great state.  The cold has settled in, snow is on the way, and I feel like someone has started to suck the joy out of the VanBeek house as we prepare to settle back into our everyday routines from coast-to-coast.  I am incredibly grateful for the mini vacation I could take home to reconnect with so many family members and friends, especially my parents, sisters, and future brother-in-law.  Our family Christmas Eve celebration was full of laughs, gifts, food, drinks, and magic.  I can’t remember the last time, if there ever was one, where the night’s focus was on the gift givers, not the gifts given.  With daughters on both coasts now, it is rare that my entire family is together for any amount of time.  I am always thankful for the holidays and special occasions that bring us home.  And now I’m gearing up to leave one home to return to another.

I want to give a shout out to everyone who took time out of their holiday schedules to see me–you know who you are!  A simple thanks doesn’t seem to be enough to express the childlike giddiness I felt throughout the past several days.  A Ruplinger Christmas, lunch with some lovely ladies, friend Christmas with Mayville friends, Holiday Extravaganza with Whitewater friends, lunch with my Habitat family, coffee with two people who continue to inspire me in all they do, and time in between with the fam filled my break.  It’s a true blessing to ease back into the comfort of life on the home front.  Even though 4.5 months have passed and changed us, there is something magical about feeling like no amount of time or miles can divide us.

Naturally the big question and life decision of “what’s next” has been asked what feels like a million times in the last week and a half.  I’d be lying if I said I haven’t given my future any thought yet, but I’d also be lying if I said I had it all figured out.  And now as the new year approaches, I feel more pressure to figure it out, or somehow integrate my life plans post Change A Heart into a new year’s resolution.  While I am all about new year’s resolutions to make changes for the better, this year I feel somewhat hesitant to make any.  2014 is going to be a big year–continuing this Pittsburgh adventure, welcoming a new member into the family, friends getting married, job searching.  While I am very excited and anxious to see what this year has to offer, I realized I’d prefer to measure my life not in years, but in experiences, and accept that my experiences will differ from the experiences of those around me.  It’s not an experience competition; there is no experience comparison.  We each will be continuing on God’s path paved out specifically for us at our own pace.

I am committed to my current experience; committed to giving my all to MACS, to my community, to Change A Heart, to Pittsburgh.  I have seven months to really explore the city and discover more about myself and my purpose, and maybe along the way helping those around me do the same.  There is magic all around and I’m ready to find it, spread it, and live in it, not just in 2014, but in every day, month, year, experience I have left in this crazy, beautiful world.  My resolution is to bring Christmas magic to the world, 365 days a year.

Wishing you a joyous, lovely 2014 and life 🙂

my people.